Monday, December 9, 2013

If We Were Having Coffee...


This was started by Ashley at Your Super Awesome Life, and then brought to the book blogging community by Jamie at The Perpetual Page-Turner. I’ve always said I love reading personal posts because it lets you know there really is a human being behind the computer. We visit people’s blogs on a daily or weekly basis, get to know them, and if we're really lucky we come to think of them as true friends or maybe even extended family, so it’s nice to get to know them - their hopes, fears, goals, triumphs, or just the mundane everyday things.

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, so this idea felt like the perfect way to get it all out. I might even make this a monthly feature. These are the things I'd tell you if we were sitting down for coffee.


 
I’d tell you that it’s been almost two and a half years since my Grama died but some days the pain I feel is as fresh as it was the day she died. I’d tell you that everyone else seemed to move on really quickly, but my mum and I are still drowning in grief...but we hide it well because it feels like nobody really cares or thinks it’s possible that we might still be in a lot of pain. I’d tell you that the other day my six-month-old niece looked up at me with my Grama’s face and I almost had a meltdown in the middle of Walmart. And that a few days later when I was in the mall, I saw a little old white-haired lady in a wheelchair and I almost choked on the lump in my throat. I’d tell you that sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking of things to tell her or pictures to show her or questions to ask her and then remember she’s gone and feel like I’ve lost her all over again. I’d also tell you that I wish there was someone - anyone - who could see the pain I’m in and realize that I'm not really okay.

 
I’d tell you that I don’t know how I feel about turning 30 next week. Six months ago I freaked out every time I thought about it, but now…now I’m somewhere close to calm. I thought it mattered that I’m still single, that I’m not where I’d like to be in my career, that I don’t have many friends…but then I hear people saying that 30 is the new 20 or that life begins at 30, and I take comfort in that. I’m not where I thought I’d be at this age, but I’m proud of the things I have accomplished, and I’m excited for the future.

I’d tell you something I've been trying to avoid admitting to myself: blogging has become a chore. I’ve lost the love and passion for it that I once had. I don’t take as much pleasure in reading as I used to because I’ve stupidly over-committed myself and now all I feel is pressure instead of enjoyment. It scares me and makes me sad, because reading used to be my escape; it’s what kept me sane, but I’m not reading for pleasure anymore. I'm going to be making some big changes in 2014 because I want to get back to loving reading and blogging. I don’t know what I’d do without this community, so I can’t imagine leaving.

I’d tell you that I’m incredibly grateful for my online friends. I don’t have many real life friends, so I’d be very lonely (and lost) without my online friends. There are a couple of people I talk to on a daily basis, share my life with, and who know more about what's going on in my life than anyone in my real life. I trust them completely, I miss them when I don’t talk to them, and I love being part of their lives. I’d also tell you that despite how grateful I am for them, it makes me sad that I don’t have friends like them in real life. I feel like I’m everyone’s last priority - the one they spend time with when their other friends are busy, or when their husband/boyfriend is away, or when someone takes their kid(s) for a night or when they need something. 

I’d tell you that despite what seems like a giant pity party above, I am actually content with my life…mostly. I have the best mother in the world, I have a wonderful family, I have nephews and a niece who are the lights of my life. Being their aunt is the greatest pleasure imaginable. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly. I have everything I need, and that means I’m luckier than a lot of other people.

I’d tell you that I’m working hard at having a more positive outlook. I have high hopes for 2014, and I'm really hoping it's the year everything comes together for me. Even though I keep telling myself it's okay to be single, I really want a relationship. I want someone who puts me first, someone to go on adventures with, someone to plan a future with. I want to keep writing books and hopefully finally write that one that grabs readers' attention and makes my career take off. I'm hoping to make new friends and get rid of all the toxic people and things in my life. *crosses fingers*

So, those are some of the things I'd tell you if we were having coffee. What would you tell me?


9 comments:

  1. That took a lot of guts. I wasn't nearly that open when I wrote mine! I sent you an e-mail with my actual response since it was really darn long. In short, though, I am glad to hear that 2014 is looking up. :D You know I'm always around if you need to talk. Have a great day!

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  2. If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I understand what it feels like to miss someone so inherently that it aches bone deep down inside your fragile wounded soul. I would tell you, that there are going to be days when it hurts to breathe, but that’s what she would have wanted you to do. I would tell you, that she loved you very much because you are a loveable sweet talented and kind person; and that she wouldn’t want you to forever mourn her. She would want you to be happy. I would tell you, when people told me that it just made me angrier and more bitter, after my Papa’s death because it felt like they just didn’t know what it felt like to truly lose someone who meant that much to you. I would also tell you, that you do have the right to miss her and you do have the right to grieve, if that’s what you feel in your heart you must still do. It doesn’t matter what those other people say or what they don’t notice, what matters is what your friends see and how they’re willing to be there for you no matter what. I would tell you that if you ever need to talk you can always email me, tweet me, or chat with me. My door is always open for you.

    I’d tell you that turning 30 isn’t the end of the world, right before I show up on your doorstep with a box of wine (what, I’m from the country, don’t judge! lol.) and my coveted box sets of Sex and the City, because that’s the best cure for the “turning 30” blues. And if we were a little tipsy and being real honest, I would tell you that I secretly have wished for the better part of my life to experience a love like Carrie and Big’s.

    I would tell you, that there are times when I feel the same way about blogging and reading, too. This year, I made a promise to myself that I was going to start reading more books that I wanted to read for pleasure, and not just tie myself down with nothing but review books. So far, I feel pretty okay about half-way meeting that goal, but I can tell you for sure that’s the goal I’m definitely meet fully next year. I would also tell you that it’s okay to stop and take a breather, if you need a couple of weeks away from the blog to recoup and take some time to yourself for doing whatever you want to do or reading whatever you want to do, don’t be afraid to take it. People will understand, other author’s will understand, and if they don’t then they really aren’t worth your time anyway. I mean, since we’re being honest here. 

    (to be continued...)

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  3. I’d tell you that I don’t have any real friends outside of my online friends, who have become my friends and family. I would tell you that the one friend that I had outside of my online friend (my best friend with eleven to twelve years of history between us) no longer speaks to me. I haven’t seen or heard from her in a little over three years and sometimes, when it’s late at night and I let myself get still and silent, I start thinking about how much I miss her and all of the loads of fun times we used to have together. I start thinking about the mistakes that we both made and I start thinking about all of the time that has come between us and at the end of the day if she showed up on my front doorstep and said she needed me for whatever, I wouldn’t hesitate to let her in because I love her so much and she’s still always going to be family. But, I can’t lie, it does hurt knowing that she’s out there and every time I have tried to reach out to her she has ignored me. Each unreturned text, voice message, or call. But, I tell myself there’s a reason for this, that when I least expect it that’s when she’ll be there, and we’ll fall back into step like we never drifted apart. So, I understand how you feel, I’ve been there and in a way, I’m still kind of there. You got room on your couch, for one more friend? 

    I’d tell you that I bet you are an amazing aunt, just not as amazing as I am. lol. Just kidding. *g* I love how much you love your family and that even in all of the pain and darkness, you still let the light in. I’d tell you, that not too long ago I couldn’t even do that, but Molli has really helped to change my outcome and I’m thankful to her, for getting to know you.

    And Marie, I’d tell you don’t go looking too hard for what you want, because when you least expect it: there it will be right in front of you in all of its beauty. I believe that you are going to find someone to share your days with, a companion in whom you can pour every bit of your soul into, and I believe that you are going to become a best seller author and I’ll be one of the first in line for the book to be autographed. Well, right behind Molli and Jess, of course. Here’s to a happy New Year, my friend, and so many wonderful dreams coming true!

    Suz @ A Soul Unsung

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  4. I think it is great that you did this post! *HUGS* about your Grandma. It takes a long time to get over a loss like that. Missing her is a good thing, it means you have happy memories to recall. Yes, make some changes to reduce all your online obligations so you enjoy book blogging again. I've been scaling back as well. Turning 30 wasn't so bad. Don't even fret, it is just a number and no one needs to know your age anyway!

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  5. *humongous super tackles you in an enormous bear hug* You're so honest and open and I have so much respect for your bravery in that. We've talked a little about these things, and you know that if you really do want to talk about any of it anytime, I am there.

    I'm so grateful to have you in my life too, and I'm glad that we both can be there for each other anytime. I wish wish wish we could live closer. I mean, even just an hour or two away wouldn't be bad! Because it would be a short trek and we would still have tons of time to still do something and hang out. It would be awesome.

    Oh, yeah, I should just drive up there and toss you in my car and drive you back to my apartment. I'll get those bunk beds. ;)

    <3 you!!!

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  6. Lots of courage, and confidence in this post.

    30 isn't so bad. I never had a problem during it, although I don't feel nearly as grown-up as I thought I would. I only feel that way when I'm around teenagers, lol. I do wish I could figure out what career I wanted because I feel like I'm just killing time right now.

    I totally understand your blogging/reading problem. I had that last fall really bad, and so I made 2013 the year I mood read, with great success. It definitely was the right thing to do, and I plan to continue it into 2014.

    And the friends thing... Ever since I moved to BC, I don't know or see anyone in person. It's all online, with friends and co-workers. And it's hard. I feel so isolated some days. But I don't know how to change things. Except mayve save up to go to BEA or something so I can hang out with book-loving people.

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  7. The part about your Grandma being gone reminded me that I haven no idea how much time I have left with mine. It's scary to think about and I'm trying to prepare myself, but I know when it happens, we're all going to be a mess. I have a feeling I will totally relate to what you wrote too.

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  8. If we were having coffee, I'd give you a big, squeezy hug, and I wouldn't let go for a long time because HIIIII WE'RE IN PERSON. Then I'd make sure we both ordered something delicious on the menu and settled in to gab.

    I'd tell you that you missing your grandma is normal. I'd tell you that I had so many memories with my Grandma (Shirley) that even though I do miss her, I'm more at peace with her passing. I'd tell you that my Grandma Jean was my touchstone in so many ways, and that I wish I'd known how quickly she would go, so I could have hugged her more, called her more, talked more about life with her. She died just as I was falling in love for the first REAL time, and she never got to see me in love, or come out of the other side of my sorrow, stronger. She never got to know me NOW and I'll never know what she would say. I hope that even though we might have our differences, she'd still love me, just like I know your grandma loved YOU, sweet lady. I'd tell you that missing them never really goes away...that there are days you can breathe and smile and love life, and days when their passing feels right next to you, like it's this weight on your chest you can't breathe around. I'd tell you that's normal, but that sometimes when I have a hard choice to make or I'm scared, I think about what Grandma Jean would say, what advice she would give me, and I ask myself if she'd be proud of what I'm about to say or do. And if the answer is no...I don't do it. And that's how I feel close to her. I'd give anything to be with her again, on one of our mini road trips, eating all her junk food, talking about life and religion and love, seeing her in her silly shirts she wore. I'd tell you that I think I understand what you feel, and that all we can do is cling to hard to the good memories, and live our lives the fullest we can, because those we love and have lost wouldn't want us drowning.

    I'd tell you that you shouldn't be afraid of being 30. It's a number you've built up in your head, and I know it's terrifying, but you've already done SO much, and you will continue to do even more. I'd tell you that 30 is going to be as good as you make it, and that you will accomplish things, and your life will be GREAT because you believe it.

    I'd tell you that sometimes blogging is a chore for me too, especially when I feel like no one reads my posts, or would notice if I stopped blogging. But then I keep doing it because of all the amazing books I've discovered, and I have to believe it's worth it.

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  9. I'd tell you I'm SO DAMNED PROUD of you and your books - your words you wrap around your readers, the stories you're telling. I'd tell you I think it's a shame your career hasn't taken off, but that I think you're a DIAMOND in the rough of all other authors. You're telling stories with heart and soul and THAT is what matters.

    I'd tell you that you mean the world to me. I think you know that already, because we talk openly, but I'd tell you again just to be sure you know. You are an AMAZING person and friend, and I am so damned lucky to have you in my life. You will always, always be one of my best friends. I feel just so HUMBLED and grateful to know you.

    I'd tell you to open your hands and take a deep breath and let go your expectations for love. I know you want to be loved, and someone out there somewhere IS going to be that person for you. But it's like Jenn said on Dawson's Creek:


    Love to the tips of your fingers. And when you find that love — wherever you find it, whoever you choose — don't run away from it. But you don't have to chase after it either. You be patient, and it'll come to you...when you least expect it. Don't be afraid. And remember — to love is to live.


    You have to be ready for it, but you can't MAKE it come to you, and when you find it, even if it doesn't look like you thought it would, you can't run away from it either. It just...happens, if you're open to it, and I KNOW it will happen for you.

    Most of all, I'd tell you that I love you, and that you make my life better for being in it.

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Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I love hearing what you have to say, and I appreciate every single comment. I hope to see you here again soon! ♥
~Marie

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